I want to focus on the power of relationships in psychotherapy; one of my favorite books is The Road Less Traveled,” by M Scott Peck. He wrote this book way back in 1978.

It’s been on my shelf for years, and I’ve pulled it off so often that it’s actually falling apart at the bindings, and I love something that he says that I agree with about the relationship.

“We are now able to see that the essential ingredient that makes Psychotherapy effective and successful is not unconditional positive regard, nor is it magical words, techniques, or postures. It is human involvement and struggle. It is the willingness of the therapist to extend themselves to nurture the Patriot patient’s growth and willingness to go out on a limb to indeed involve oneself at an emotional level in the relationship to actually struggle with the patient and with oneself, in short, the essential ingredient to of successful deep and meaningful Psychotherapy is love.”

I love that definition.

You know, deep and meaningful Psychotherapy and the Power of Relationships is love.

As he says in his book, love is as love does.

Love is not soft, love is not fluffy love is not taking the easy way.

It’s about being willing to engage in a relationship where another person struggles or suffers.

Another great book is called, Being a Therapist by Dr. Jeffrey Cutler; a lot of this book, at least the preface, talks about the relationship, not only how the therapist is supposed to influence the patients or clients seeking help but how the therapist themselves are influenced.

“One thing that has not changed much since the first publication of This Book Is that the process of psychotherapy still flows in two directions this is obviously the case in the direction of influencing the client but it is also true with respect to affecting the personal life of the clinician.

This emotional impact can be For Better or For Worse making the psychotherapy profession among the most spiritually fulfilling as well as the most emotionally draining human endeavors.

Some therapists flourish as a result of this work we learn from those we try to help and imply what we know and understand to ourselves and some of us become depleted and despondent over time.

We may become cynical or indifferent or stale can the therapist be immune to the influence of prolonged exposure to human despair conflict and suffering.”

After doing this work for many years, I’ve experienced what he’s talking about.

I love the work. I love being fully engaged with those I’m privileged to work with; not only do I hopefully encourage them and help them find some relief from their suffering, but I’ve learned a lot in the process, but it does go both ways.

This is pretty grueling work and takes a lot of effort before you finally have your independent license, where you don’t need to be supervised by anyone.

I remember one individual finally getting his license. He walked down the hall at the clinic we were working at; he showed me his little magic cord.

He said,

“I got my license, and I’m not going to do this work anymore because I can’t do it. I get too wrapped up in my clients. I can’t sleep at night it tears me up when I don’t see clients get better and I feel like a failure. I can’t do this work. I’m gonna go do something else.”

…and that’s what he did.

In a sense, it’s like a war zone dealing with human suffering, but to me personally, I don’t think anything could be more worthwhile to be engaged in this work, but it comes at risks; for example, this last week and I’ve been doing this work a long time.

I met with an individual 30-year-old young man I truly believe it’s the most depressed person I have ever encountered.

30 years old he has not worked for two years his parents don’t know what to do they’ve tried everything they can think.

They’re supporting him in therapy, as well as, financially supporting him.

I’ve talked to him hundreds of times but to no avail he’s stuck and Frozen and in the deepest darkest place of anyone that I’ve seen.

He’s not suicidal but wishes he weren’t here.

Every time I meet with him, the impact of those heavy emotions on me I feel it I feel a sense of his hopelessness because I was trying every thing that usually works and helps people relieve some suffering but it didn’t seem to be working with him.

What does a therapist do with something like this?

You need to allow the client to have their pain and suffering.

I can’t change him and I know that I need to take care of myself in the process and still show up to be able to bear his suffering in a dignified manner.

I need to be able to sit with him in that feeling of hopelessness just letting him know that he is not alone.

I once also worked with an incest Survivor, one of the most challenging cases I have ever dealt with.

I worked with her for eight years.

For the first few sessions, she would come into my office and walk in the door, not facing me but looking at the door and me.

As I begin a therapy session, I will ask some questions like, “Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and what brings you here today?”

She just sat there.

She didn’t speak for the first two sessions, so what do I do with that?

If you’re were her therapist, what would you do with that?

I just sat with it. That’s all I did.

I just sat with it and understood a little bit about what must be happening inside of her.

I was showing her that I could tolerate her discomfort of being there and that I wouldn’t react and respond to it.

I said, “Whenever you’re ready to speak, I’ll be here,” and then I did some paperwork and sat there.

When the session was over, I said, “Our time is up for today another client is out there waiting.”

She got up and walked out.

After the first session, I thought, “I don’t think I’m gonna see her again.”

Guess what?

The following week same time, showed up exact same thing happened for a several sessions.

Then she finally started to open up, and that’s when we engaged in a relationship for over eight years, and then, I remember her saying to me that I was the only male she was ever been able to sit in a room with up to that point.

Eventually, we got her experiencing some things; she actually went on a date and stuff like that, but the damage that had happened to her and the confusion and stuff was really very significant, but again, therein lies the hope of change, notwithstanding what one goes through there is something within our power within us in our minds.

The mind is different than the physical brain.

The brain becomes scarred.

It becomes hardwired, but the mind and through the power of mental force, attention, mindfulness practices consistently, the physical brain can actually and does actually change.

Through effort through patience, work, and effort, and through engaging in the struggle so much seems to me just about relationships the most essential thing in the world are relationships.

I love what Guyana Reeves said in an interview someone asked him, “What do you think would happen to those who love you when you’re gone?”

His response was excellent,

“they would miss me.”

Regarding death, nothing else matters at the end of the day; relationships are essential in our existence.

It’s not our money, it’s not our Fame, it’s not what we acquire down here.

It’s that someone would actually miss you.

It is more important to be kind, patient, loving, forgiving, and encouraged to sit with pain without becoming unglued with them, tolerate another human being’s suffering be with them, and help them find the answers inside themselves so that they can move forward and find their unique talents, gifts, and purpose in life.

I think that’s the most extraordinary Quest encourages you to look at your relationships and do whatever you can to heal them, repair them and strengthen them.

Allah has a statement,

“The chance for progress to keep or lose turns on the events of a single day.”

Look at this day as the most important day of your life.

You don’t know how much time you have left.

I don’t know how much time I have left.

My Quest today is in my relationships with everyone I come in contact with to be kind, encouraging and help them in any way I can so that when they leave my presence they say:

“I can’t wait till I can get back into that person’s presence.”

There’s nothing more potent than relationships and influence, so ask yourself the question what are you allowing yourself to be influenced by?

Are you spending too much time on things that are draining you that are non-productive like most things on social media?

How much time are you spending on the things that take your energy and your life away based on the premise of just getting instant gratification whatever that means for you?

If it’s not helping you in any significant way, I encourage you to take whatever steps necessary to get back on track and focus on your relationships, the most significant ones you have.

Heal them, do whatever you need to do to correct them, be accountable, be responsible, and do whatever you need to do today.